Ralph’s Story

B”H, it is my deepest desire that, who knows it may be read right when it is needed most!

Ralph’s Story, reprinted with the kind authorization of,

Lazer Beams Reflections of emuna with Rabbi Lazer Brody

Friday, 10 July 2009

Ralph’s Story

Lazer’s note: This post is the real deal. Ralph is fighting for his life. We’ve spoken plenty in the past about cyber addiction and its devistating effects, but Ralph’s story tops them all.

Please send a link to this post to anyone you care about who has a computer.
Shabbat Shalom, LB

Dear Rav Lazer,

I have no one else to turn to regarding my present situation. I am in alot of trouble and am contemplating suicide as a way out. I write to you from a position of disgust with myself and potential humiliation for my lovely wife and three daughters.

I was a successful CPA until I lost my job last January and have not found a means to make a living other than trying to start a business which is having a dismal beginning. Until I lost my job, I was earning almost $220k per year. You see, I have been addicted to the internet over the last 6 years. What I mean by addiction is that I was viewing pornography and obsessed with chatting to unknown people. I was also wasting seed due to my addiction and avoiding my marital duties to my wife as a result. I was doing this on a daily basis to the point that I was up all night and often wasting away days at work. Somehow, I carried on the appearance that everything was okay until I was arrested January 25th for chatting to what I thought were grown women and were really undercover police officers posing as minors. I was so addicted that I never paid any attention to details like age since in the fantasy world of the internet, everybody makes stuff up including myself. Since any facts were not believable, I never acknowledged any information other than what I needed to fulfill my selfish desires.

In February, things got complicated. After I was arrested, I was extradited to another state where the charges were filed against me. The irony is that the state I am facing charges in, I have never been to in my life nor did I ever contemplate going there. I also never met up with any one I chatted to. I was purely living in a fantasy world that had overtaken my life – a trap that the Yetzer set for me.

Initially when I was arrested, I was being held in a city jail in the state where I live waiting until I was picked up by the sheriff’s department of the state I am facing charges in. I was transported after 15 days in county jail and then spent another 3 days in jail in the state where I am facing criminal prosecution. You can’t imagine what suffering this is, for I was with junkies, robbers, rapists – you name it.

Please help me make teshuva. Help me warn others not to fall into this trap. The internet is like a cancer and what happened when I was extradited is that another county in the same state issued a warrant for my arrest for the exact same charges as the county that extradited me had filed. I am currently facing over 24 felony counts in 2 counties of internet solicitation to a minor and obscenity charges due to the nature of sexual language I was using. I was released on $80,000 bail with a gps monitor on my ankle. I’m now jobless, penniless, and we’re soon expecting child #4.

To add insult to injury, I have never been arrested in my life nor do I have any criminal record. I was a good clean-cut guy with an MBA from the USA’s best-known colleges of business. I passed my CPA on the first try. I had my choice of great jobs. It’s now blown away. I can’t explain what has happened as it all seems like a blur but I was living 2 lives.

Since I have not been making any income, the community has come to our aid and has supported us along with paying for my legal expenses thus far totalling over 50k. I have 2 lawyers working on my case to handle my criminal matters and potential exposure to my CPA license. My attorney has been trying to work out a plea deal but thus far has not been successful. My attorney explained to me this morning that if a plea deal is not achieved then he needs to know my position as to whether he should pursue going to trial. If I go to trial I will be going to trial in 2 jurisdicitions with potential jail time of many years compounded by the number of felonies I am not able to beat.

Believe it or not, the worst part for me is that I would also be required to register as a sex offender in 2 different states. You have to know that I have never been interested in minors nor have I have ever considered harming a minor. I am reeling from the shock of how what I thought was a secret life has now become an open book.

Please intercede in my behalf. I’m sure that your prayers will help my case upstairs, I am now beginning to do everything I read about in your different articles – mikva, Tikkun Klali, guarding my eyes, and doing teshuva during an hour of personal prayer a day. Even so, my marriage has been barely holding together. Please stick with me Rabbi Lazer because I need further guidance. As I said before, I have no income, I currently have no future and my wife is in tears daily. We are desperate and I contemplate suicide as a way to save my family, my children’s future and the ability for my wife to remarry a person that is good and can make a living. I could go on for another 10 thousand words, but I haven given you the gist of my present life story.

Please, Rabbi, tell the world about what happened to me. If I can save at least one person from a similar fate, maybe G-d will have mercy on me. Most sincerely, Ralph in the USA

Ralph’s Story, reprinted with the kind authorization of,

Lazer Beams Reflections of emuna with Rabbi Lazer Brody

The Daily Shmiras Ainayim Chizuk – 21st Tammuz, 5769

This GuardUrEyes Chizuk – Shmiras Ainayim, reprinted with the kind authorization of,

GuardUrEyes A website for Jews struggling to maintain their moral purity in today’s world

Why is Sexual purity so important in Judaism? Our sages called Shmiras Habris “Yesod”, meaning “Foundation”. The foundation of a building is “underground” and no one sees it, yet it holds up the entire building! Shmiras Habris is the hidden part of a Jew, it’s the real you. If the foundation of a Jew is weak, his whole spiritual structure is fragile and in grave danger of collapse. At guardureyes.com we are finally joining together, for ourselves and for all future generations, to strengthen the foundations of our people!

There is a lot of material out there on the subject of guarding the eyes and the Bris, but sometimes “too much” is overwhelming.
A little bit each day is just right, to be able to read, digest and apply it to our lives.

The booklet “Windows to the Soul” by R’ Zvi Miller of the Salant foundation, is a MAN’S PRACTICAL GUIDE TO MASTERING HIS EYES. (Right click the link and choose “Save Target/Link As” to save the PDF booklet to your computer). To subscribe to eMussar, the daily lessons of the Salant Foundation, send email to salant@netvision.net.il

The Zohar compares this world to a churning ocean and the body of a man to a ship in the sea. Therefore, man requires knowledge in order to guide himself on a straight course, avoiding mishap and losing his way. The ocean of life roars fearfully and continuously. The winds of challenge blow and the negative impulse rips about like a tornado with unimaginable force. All of life comprises great and endless tests, which can easily capsize the ship and sink it into the murky, nethermost depths.

Yirat Shamayim and the study of Mussar will prevent the body from sinking into the miry depths of desire and corrupt character traits.
(Rabbi Yitzchak Blazer, Ohr Yisrael)

Today’s Shmiras Ainayim Chizuk

A Balanced Approach:
Treat Women with Respect

“Elokim created man in His image; in the image of Elokim He created him.”
“Common courtesy precedes Torah.”

The laws about controlling our eyes seem very extreme. And in some cases not looking at a woman could be construed as rudeness.

Yes, there are certain situations that could be uncomfortable and awkward. Naturally every situation requires tact and common sense. The law does not expect us to treat modestly dressed women as if they do not exist. The following story shows us the balance between controlling our eyes and treating women respectfully.

RABBI SIMCHA ZISSEL ZIV

Rabbi Simcha Zissel Ziv, one of the greatest sages of Mussar, came into a restaurant accompanied by a colleague. The owner of the restaurant was delighted that two great Rabbis came to eat in her restaurant. She prepared a lavish meal and served them herself with respect and joy.

During the course of the meal, in her excitement over hosting such important guests, she told them many details about her food preparation and the running of her business. Rabbi Simcha Zissel listened attentively, responding and asking questions whereas the other Rabbi studied a book and paid no attention to the woman’s conversation.

When the guests came to pay for the meal, she refused to accept their money. “Should I lose the merit of this Mitzvah,” she explained, “for a few coins?”

Afterwards, Rabbi Simcha Zissel turned to his friend and said, “Aren’t you concerned that you ate and drank without paying?”

“What do you mean?” his companion replied, “She refused any payment!”

“You’re right,” said Rabbi Simcha Zissel, “She didn’t want any money. But she wanted very much to speak with us and you completely ignored her. Therefore you benefited from her meal without giving her any compensation.”

Rabbi Simcha Zissel was very considerate of the woman. He maintained the halachot of guarding his eyes without compromising the Torah axiom to show appreciation to others. We learn from his example that each situation requires good judgment. When women are dressed modestly, we are able to observe the Torah’s laws regarding the eyes and at the same time give them the proper respect.

TODAY: Use a balanced approach – observe the laws of Shmirat Einayim and treat women with the proper respect.

---

Practical Application

Tonight Steve is attending Shevah Brachot at the Cohen’s house. Before reading this e-mail, Steve wasn’t sure what the proper “Torah etiquette” is – should he thank the hostess or is it better not to say anything?

Based on today’s lesson, Steve cordially greets Mrs. Cohen when he arrives. Then he sat with a friend and participated in the festive meal and Shevah Brachot. Afterwards, he thanks Mrs. Cohen for inviting him and preparing such a delicious meal. He felt that she appreciated his compliments.

Two Free e-Books, courtesy of GuardUrEyes that will change your life!
Right click on the links below and choose “Save Link/Target As” to download them to your computer. (Print them out to read at your leisure!)

The Guard Your Eyes Handbook.

The Guard Your Eyes Attitude.

The GuardUrEyes E-mail Chizuk Lists

The Yetzer Hara thinks of new ways to win us over every day. What better way to combat him than to have some chizuk and a new insight every day!

List 1.The GuardUrEyes Chizuk List – Breaking Free.
Receive each day antidotes, tips, articles or quotes from the holy texts, therapists and fellow strugglers, to help you break free of sexual addictions, pornography and/or masturbation.

List 2.General Chizuk in Shmiras Ainayim
This list will focus less on the “addiction” aspect and more on general Chizuk in Shmiras Ainayim that anyone can use, addicted or not. This list is less intense and explicit than the first, and is appropriate for everyone.

Please note: We strongly advise anyone who struggles with masturbation or pornography, even if infrequently, to join the first list as well.

Click here to join one (OR BOTH) of the Chizuk lists described below.

The tools on GuardUrEyes network include:

       Two Daily Chizuk List options (hundreds of members!)

       Hundreds of tips; divided into categories; tips from therapists, tips from other sites and from fellow strugglers.

       An active and thriving forum – a powerful feature of group support

       The “Jewish Healing Group“, an anonymous 12-Step group that meets on the phone once a week

       A live hotline, for people to get advice and started on their journey to recovery

       Sign up for a Partner / Sponsor. Download the Questionnaire

       Many stories of recovery, struggles and suffering

       An elaborate FAQ page

       Over 20 filter options, and everything a person could want to know about filters

       Important links

       A section on the 12 steps

       A "Kosher Isle" to help people find entertaining and more productive things to do with their time

       Download here a powerful PDF file, translated from a Hebrew book called "The First Day of the Rest of My Life", to help people break free of sexual addictions

       A Rehab Option in Florida

       Many Therapy Options

       An inspiring Music Page, to chase away the impurity and inspire thoughts of Teshuvah

       A "Wall of Honor" page, to keep track of your sobriety and get group support

How Can You Help?

Source: GuardUrEyes

The Daily Breaking Free Chizuk – 22nd Tammuz, 5769

This GuardUrEyes Chizuk – Breaking Free, reprinted with the kind authorization of,

GuardUrEyes A website for Jews struggling to maintain their moral purity in today’s world

With the advance of technology and the ease of availability and privacy that the internet provides, it has become a daily struggle for many religious Jews to remain Erlich (morally and ethically upright) even in their own homes. Jewish Leaders, Rabbis and Experts worldwide, are beginning to speak out about this serious problem more and more.

Why is Sexual purity so important in Judaism? Our sages called Shmiras Habris"Yesod", meaning “Foundation”. The foundation of a building is “underground” and no one sees it, yet it holds up the entire building! Shmiras Habris is the hidden part of a Jew, it’s the real you. If the foundation of a Jew is weak, his whole spiritual structure is fragile and in grave danger of collapse. At guardureyes.com we are finally joining together, for ourselves and for all future generations, to strengthen the foundations of our people!

There is a lot of material out there on the subject of guarding the eyes and the Bris, but sometimes “too much” is overwhelming.
A little bit each day is just right, to be able to read, digest and apply it to our lives.

The Image of Hashem

When Shem and Yefet covered up their father’s nakedness, they held a blanket and walked backwards so as not to see him. They could have walked towards him and kept their eyes lowered. Why did they feel it necessary to walk backwards?
Since the image of Hashem is etched upon the human countenance, simply exposing the face to improper sights is spiritually harmful!
Therefore, they walked backwards to protect their souls. (The Alshich)

From the booklet "Windows of the Soul" by R’ Zvi Miller of the Salant foundation.

The booklet "Windows of the Soul" by R’ Zvi Miller of the Salant foundation, is a MAN’S PRACTICAL GUIDE TO MASTERING HIS EYES
(Right click the link and choose "Save Target/Link As" to save the PDF booklet to your computer).
To subscribe to eMussar, the daily lessons of the Salant Foundation, send email to salant@netvision.net.il

The GuardUrEyes Chizuk – Breaking Free.
Antidotes, tips, articles or quotes from the holy texts, therapists and fellow strugglers, to help you break free of sexual addictions, pornography and/or masturbation.

Breaking Free Chizuk

Chaza”l say, “Who is strong? He who subdues his evil inclination”. A wise man once said. “Someone who serves G-d only with his heart needs to wage great battles to subdue his evil inclinations, but one who serves G-d also with his mind can subdue his inclinations without even a battle”.

The Gemara writes “everyone knows that a woman is a barrel of excrement and that her mouth (allegorically) is full of blood, and yet they all run after her”. Indeed, R’ Nachman of Breslov once said that there is no greater foolishness than sexual desire, and that anyone with wisdom can overcome it.

Two Free e-Books, courtesy of GuardUrEyes that will change your life!
Right click on the links below and choose “Save Link/Target As” to download them to your computer. (Print them out to read at your leisure!)

The Guard Your Eyes Handbook.

The Guard Your Eyes Attitude.

The GuardUrEyes E-mail Chizuk Lists

The Yetzer Hara thinks of new ways to win us over every day. What better way to combat him than to have some chizuk and a new insight every day!

List 1.The GuardUrEyes Chizuk List – Breaking Free.
Receive each day antidotes, tips, articles or quotes from the holy texts, therapists and fellow strugglers, to help you break free of sexual addictions, pornography and/or masturbation.

List 2.General Chizuk in Shmiras Ainayim
This list will focus less on the “addiction” aspect and more on general Chizuk in Shmiras Ainayim that anyone can use, addicted or not. This list is less intense and explicit than the first, and is appropriate for everyone.

Please note: We strongly advise anyone who struggles with masturbation or pornography, even if infrequently, to join the first list as well.

Click here to join one (OR BOTH) of the Chizuk lists described.

The tools on GuardUrEyes network include:

       Two Daily Chizuk List options (hundreds of members!)

       Hundreds of tips; divided into categories; tips from therapists, tips from other sites and from fellow strugglers.

       An active and thriving forum – a powerful feature of group support

       The “Jewish Healing Group“, an anonymous 12-Step group that meets on the phone once a week

       A live hotline, for people to get advice and started on their journey to recovery

       Sign up for a Partner / Sponsor. Download the Questionnaire

       Many stories of recovery, struggles and suffering

       An elaborate FAQ page

       Over 20 filter options, and everything a person could want to know about filters

       Important links

       A section on the 12 steps

       A "Kosher Isle" to help people find entertaining and more productive things to do with their time

       Download here a powerful PDF file, translated from a Hebrew book called "The First Day of the Rest of My Life", to help people break free of sexual addictions

       A Rehab Option in Florida

       Many Therapy Options

       An inspiring Music Page, to chase away the impurity and inspire thoughts of Teshuvah

       A "Wall of Honor" page, to keep track of your sobriety and get group support

Source: GuardUrEyes